


How to Ask

by forgetmenotjimmy



Series: Antidote to Canon [2]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Apologies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Episode: s03e09 I Am The Apocalypse, F/M, Fix-It, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Hugs, Injury Recovery, Severide and Casey talking about feelings, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenotjimmy/pseuds/forgetmenotjimmy
Summary: Sitting beside Kelly's hospital bed, Matt comes to a realization.Watching Matt hover nervously in a way he hasn't done in years, Kelly realizes the same thing.They finally talk.
Relationships: Matthew Casey & Andrew "Andy" Darden & Kelly Severide, Matthew Casey & Kelly Severide, past Matt Casey/Gabriela Dawson
Series: Antidote to Canon [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552927
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	How to Ask

Casey wasn’t someone who hated hospitals. He couldn’t really, seeing as he spent so much time in them. Yes, he had some terrible, devastating memories connected to them: getting banged up and sent for a check-up, hearing of a victim not making it or waiting for hours only to lose someone close, someone vital. Counter to these, he also had good memories: someone pulling through unexpectedly and relieved, teary relatives hugging.

So whilst he wasn’t comfortable on the hard chair or soothed by the antiseptic smell, those things didn’t particularly bother him. When he wasn’t lost in thought, he was busy assessing every inch of Severide he could see. His friend was pale and eerily unmoving, the toll on his body still obvious. Casey forced himself to look past that to the steady rise and fall of his Sev’s chest, to the limbs still attached and functioning. For pushing over a man with a grenade, Severide was impossibly intact – hadn’t even lost a finger.

Casey’s heart squeezed whenever he replayed the events of the awful day. The daring roof rescue, the full ER, the explosion, Severide down and half-way to Death’s door, fire and fired up victims threatening the kill them all faster than the horrifying, nameless virus circling over them.

It’d all worked out though, he reminded himself, almost bored of the dark thoughts lapping at the edges of his mind.

April ducked her head in a moment, voice bubbling with nervous anticipation. Matt wasn’t 100% clued in to what was going on between those two, but he knew they had a complex history. It was funny, Severide seemed to have a complicated relationship with everyone he knew longer than five minutes.

Matt and April chatted for a few minutes, and though her gaze hardly left Severide, she repeated the doctor’s assurances that Kelly’s brain hadn’t been starved of oxygen at any point. They didn’t expect any damage or further complications. Once it was clear he wouldn’t wake just then, she left with Matt’s promise to get her the moment the big lug opened his eyes.

The quiet she left behind her was warmer than before. Matt felt more optimistic. It was only a matter of time. And Kelly was a survivor. He’d done the hard part and pulled through the surgery; the rest would be a breeze.

Matt’s phone beeped. Frowning lightly, he checked it – a message from Dawson.

_> Where are you? _

Matt’s brow wrinkled further. That was odd. Something stirred in his gut: was she in some kind of trouble? Did she need him? He answered quickly.

_> Hospital with Sev. You ok?_

_> Fine. Just wondered if you were coming to Molly’s._

He stared at her reply. He’d considered going, but had decided that Boden and Herrmann could handle any interdepartmental bonding. He needed to see Kelly wake up, unable to relax completely until then. Dawson followed up her previous message before he could even decide whether to even confess any of this to her.

_> Crazy day. I’d like to see you._

Matt took a moment to parse her meaning. Then he sat back, surprise rapidly melting into longing. He did miss her: her fire both in the bedroom and as a fierce defender of people she considered ‘hers’. When they’d been together, Matt had belonged again; it had been a balm to his fractured soul. He’d felt the same calm as he had with Hallie’s soothing fingers through his hair.

The firehouse was his home but that was only part of his life, that only satisfied his need for a purpose and a community. His desire for affection – deep and intimate – burned in him, singeing the flesh under his skin and near choking him with smoke.

He’d gone through long stretches being single before without problems. After Hallie had died, the pain and stress of being alone had confused him. Until he’d realized.

Andy.

Andy had been as straight as they come but free with his touches and praise. Somehow his obvious affection for his friends hadn’t drawn suspicion or speculation. There’d been something about him, his energy distracting people from the depth of his emotions. Matt hadn’t ever become comfortable with compliments so Andy had learnt how to phrase them in a way that still delivered the emotional weight but by-passed Matt’s natural scepticism. The touches, however, Matt had grown used to, even fond of: hands on his shoulders, fingers ruffling through his hair, warm, casual hugs when Andy was feeling playful.

After Andy had been ripped from his life, Matt had realized how much of a hole those things had been filling. Hallie had been next to patch things up, then gone. Gabby had followed soon after, perhaps too soon, but Matt had been suffocating in the long hours spent alone. As difficult as being with Gabby could sometimes be, it was better than being alone.

So whilst maybe only a booty call, part of him desperately wanted to go to her.

He and Sev were close and knew each other well but neither expressed affection physically…Matt doubted they’d even know how. Still, that hadn’t lessened the terror which had lanced through him when the doctor had declared Kelly too far gone to save. Thank High Heaven for Mills because Lieutenant Casey had been frozen in fear.

Matt looked down at Sev and his stomach clenched. Being lonely was a bad reason sleep with an ex and an even worse one to leave his friend alone in a hospital room. It was time Matt learned how to survive without any crutches, without leaning on people.

_> Sorry. Gotta stay with Sev._

He considered suggesting she try Mills but refrained – she didn’t need his bitter suggestions. He put his phone in his pocket, returning his attention to Sev, who was staring groggily in Matt’s direction.

‘Kelly.’ Matt rasped, rising out of his chair.

‘What happened?’ Kelly groaned in reply. Pushing through the relief threatening to buckle his knees, Matt gave him a brief recap of events. Kelly seemed to take it in and before Matt could leave to get April, asked. ‘What are you doing here?’

The question took Matt back a little, but he tamped down on his urge to joke or otherwise deflect.

‘Just, wanted to be here, when you woke up.’

Kelly eyed him a long moment before relaxing back further into the pillows. ‘Well, now you can do home. You look like shit.’

Inferring the concern behind the insult, Matt half-smiled. ‘Don’t go back to sleep yet, April wants to talk to you.’

‘Oh no.’ Kelly muttered, eyes sliding shut.

‘I think it’s a good reason.’ Matt replied. After a beat of Kelly lying still, Matt snapped his fingers. ‘Seriously! Kelly!’

Kelly’s eyes popped open and he grunted. ‘M’awake’.

Matt found April and caught part of the conversation as he was putting on his coat. He escaped to give them privacy, assuring Kelly he’d be back in the morning.

The apartment was cold and dark when he returned. He checked his phone as he got ready for bed. There was another message from Gabby.

_> Let me know if you need anything. I’m here._

He swallowed harshly and sent back.

_> Thanks._

He should say more, but he didn’t have the energy to think. Instead he crawled into bed and replayed his favourite memories of hanging out with Andy and Kelly in the firehouse.

Kelly wouldn’t change and Matt couldn’t expect him to, but maybe Matt could make more of an effort to express his affection. Not just to Severide, but to other people in his life. Maybe Matt could heal himself, for good this time. 

...

Much of the day even before the explosion had formed in a dreamlike quality in his memory. Other people told Kelly what had happened so he knew the events objectively but he couldn’t see them in his mind. Maybe that was for the best, considering how horrible it all sounded.

He remembered seeing Shay, laughing and calling his name. He’d wanted to reach out for her but his arms hadn’t been working.

The few days of recovery at the hospital was all the time he allowed himself to wallow. Once he was cleared to return home, he pushed it all down again. There were other things to worry about anyway.

Casey, for one.

His friend had been unusually intense when he’d visited, hyper focused on doing anything and everything to help Kelly in the hospital. Kelly hadn’t been switched on enough to be annoyed by it or even notice but when Matt insisted on coming over every day he wasn’t on shift to help Kelly around his apartment, he realized.

Matt was hovering. He hadn’t done that in years.

Back in the early days of their friendship, Matt had often been unsure of how to act. He would hang back and observe or dither, obviously wanting to do or say something but too afraid of messing up.

Andy’s natural exuberance and laidback attitude had quickly eased Matt’s anxiety around him specifically. Though it had taken him longer to relax completely around Kelly.

At the time, Kelly hadn’t been bothered about calming the skittish teenager his best friend had adopted, so had mostly ignored the behaviour. The kid sorted himself out on his own and over time, they grew close and became friends in their own right. He hadn’t even thought about it in years; once Matt had settled into his role as firefighter brother, he’d rarely shown that nervousness.

Now it was back and Kelly was just as reluctant to poke that hornet’s nest. He would give his life for his brother, but he’d never been any good at the emotional…stuff. That had always been Andy’s job.

Laying propped up on his couch, Kelly groaned and slapped his forehead. Of course. Andy.

His brush with death would have reminded Matt, rather painfully, of Andy’s passing. The poor guy was shaken and didn’t have Dawson to comfort him. At least, Kelly thought he was up to date – one never knew with those two.

Matt came into the room with some tea.

‘You alright?’ He asked absently as he scanned the coffee table for a good place to put down the mug.

Kelly brought his hand down from his face and really looked at his friend. He’d gotten some sleep since Kelly had been discharged but he didn’t look totally at ease; tension squatting in his upper body and along his jawline.

‘Yeah. You?’ Kelly replied.

Nudging aside a magazine and setting down the mug within Kelly’s reach, Matt hummed. ‘Huh?’

‘What’s going on with you?’ Kelly asked sincerely.

Matt opened his mouth, no doubt with a casual or flippant answer at the ready, but then he hesitated. His mouth closed and then opened again.

‘I’m hovering.’ He said instead, embarrassment blending with… melancholy. Predicting where the self-flagellating idiot’s thoughts would go next, Kelly interrupted.

‘And I appreciate it.’ He stretched out and picked up the tea, taking a demonstrative sip.

Matt watched him, lips pressing together, signalling that he was debating something. Finally, he sighed and sat in the armchair closest to Kelly’s head. Looking at his hands, he admitted quietly.

‘I miss Andy.’

Lump quickly forming in his throat, Kelly hummed. Matt flitted his eyes to Kelly’s face briefly and must have seen the pain there because he sniffed and straightened, expression closing off. He made to stand.

‘No, wait-’ Kelly blurted.

Matt stilled.

‘I’m not him, but if you talk I’ll listen.’ Kelly forced out, holding his breath.

Matt sat back slowly, eyes rounder than usual as he searched Kelly’s face. Kelly just waited and his patience was rewarded when Matt let out a long breath.

‘He made everything easy. I didn’t even need to ask him for anything. He could just look at me and know what I needed. Now, I don’t know how…’ He trailed off, shoulders creeping up to his ears.

Kelly also felt uncomfortable but his conscience reminded him that he’d never actually apologized for blaming Matt for Andy’s death; that he’d never once even talked about Andy with maybe the only other person who’d know what he was going through.

Suddenly, he felt like the world’s biggest asshole. Andy had been the best person Kelly had known and Kelly was acting like he’d never existed.

Pushing down the frothing sadness in his chest, he replied. ‘It was the same for me. We’d been friends for so long that even when we fought, we never needed to apologize with words.’

Matt was listening intently, giving Kelly the courage to continue.

‘I wasn’t just devastated that he’d gone. I was angry the world was still turning. I was… I felt alone.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Matt whispered. ‘I couldn’t…I wasn’t there.’

Kelly shook his head. ‘I was too angry. I pushed you away. I’m sorry.’

Matt sniffed and looked down at his hands.

‘Don’t ask.’ Kelly murmured. ‘Just tell me.’

The cautious, guarded expression was back on Matt’s face, but after a moment he cleared his throat and answered softly.

‘A hug, you know, every now and then.’

Well, that, Kelly could do.

He put down the mug and struggled to stand. Matt shot up and protested but Kelly ignored him, just using him for balance.

‘I’ll lean on you.’ Kelly assured Matt cheekily. Then he demonstrated his point by wrapping one arm over Matt’s shoulders, the other at his hip. Matt huffed but returned the hug.

Kelly’s insides still ached and his body was stiff but the painkillers were working so he could still enjoy the warmth of Matt’s body and the slow, firm strokes of Matt’s hand against his back.

Relaxing a little, Kelly sighed. ‘Tell me when I’m wrong. Even when I’m being ‘loud and wrong’.’

‘Got it.’ Matt agreed instantly, grip tightening; probably recognizing Andy’s favourite way to describe Kelly whenever the two had been arguing.

Closing his watery eyes, Kelly shifted his hand up to the back of Matt’s head, the tips of his fingers pressing into blond hair. Matt moaned lowly and it took Kelly a beat to realize that it was a moan of relief. Matt’s head burrowed into the crook of Kelly’s neck and heat bloomed in Kelly’s chest.

Andy would be so mad that it had taken a madman with a grenade to finally reconcile his two idiot friends but he would have quickly forgiven them.

 _Just don’t mess it up again._ The Andy in Kelly’s head warned sternly.

Kelly stroked Matt’s hair and promised. ‘I’m here.’

Matt’s fingers tightening their grip on his hips was answer enough.

It would take some trial and error, but they could do it. They could learn how to recognize what the other needed. And also how to ask.

**Author's Note:**

> So if not immediately obvious, I’ve had Andy on the mind recently. I’m writing another fic for this series where Matt is there for Cruz in a big way after Otis dies and he explains that he hadn’t reached out when Andy died and really suffered in silence.  
> I really want Andy and the effect of his death to be at least mentioned again in the show. Chief telling Foster that it happened and seeing the photo in season 7 was nice but why don’t we get Ben or Griffin Darden to return for a few eps, wanting to reconnect with their home city and memories of their father; they could reminisce with Matt and Kelly, maybe hear new stories that they weren’t told as children because they were too riské or grim. MAYBE MATT AND KELLY COULD FINALLY TALK ABOUT HIS DEATH AND APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER. It’s almost been eight years guys. Just an idea.


End file.
